I've never had any medical issues, nothing to be concerned about, so why is this happening to me? Could it really be a Pseudo-Seizure? To better explain it, it's called Psychogenic non-epileptic seizures (PNES) in which the attacks resemble epileptic seizures, but they aren't caused by any abnormal electrical activity in the brain. They are believed to be psychological or emotional responses to stress or any past or present traumas. I haven't been diagnosed yet; currently still awaiting my doctors. But the unawareness, the numbness, the headaches, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, the loss of control when your entire body goes numb, when you can't speak, move, or even blink, it all feels real, a little too real for me. Too scary.
So, when it happens, how do I get up? How do I fight it, because the more I fight it, the more it hurts? The more numb I feel, and the more control I lose. My head throbs every time, it gets heavy, the slower I talk and the harder it gets for me to speak clearly, I feel my body moving slower and slower, and all of a sudden, my body goes numb and there's nothing I can do but wait. Sometimes it takes a little longer, other times it's quick, some I can remember every detail, some are blurred, and some it's a complete blank space. After it passes, I just feel tired, exhausted, and I just sleep. And that's how I've spent my days this past week or two.
I had 3 hospital visits due to these so-called "seizures"; all my medical exams came out negative, they all came out clean. Which only leaves "Pseudo Seizures" now, I am thinking, and I sit and think about everything that's been going on. And I've realized there's a lot that's going on inside of my head, a lot of worries, a lot of stress, just a lot going on. Everyone kept mentioning my past traumas with my two exe's but it's been a long time, I mean my oldest is about to be 10 and my youngest 3. So ya'll already know it's been a hot minute. Anyways, I scratched that off my list.
Thinking about my separation anxiety and how that could play a part in my mental health. I've never really been apart from my girls. It's been almost 2 years since l've had them with me 24/7. They haven't really left my side at all, and now that they are on vacation with my parents, I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I know they aren't in danger, and I know it's only temporary, but I guess I am feeling a little lost without them.
The house is empty, there's no noise, no toys around, and I can't help but feel sad and lonely. We had a routine set already, I'd wake up to, them crying, fighting, laughing, calling for momma, asking for their milk and breakfast, to their hugs and kisses, and their love. And I just can't help to miss them. Isn't it crazy how we yearn for our time, but when we get it, we are completely lost? Or am I the only one?
Maybe all of this goes a little deeper...
It could also be guilt, the guilt of being stressed out due to not being able to get anything done around the house. The guilt of crying many times due to stress and overstimulation? The guilt of missing time with my daughters due to house chores and other responsibilities? The garden, the chickens, the quails, the dog, the greenhouses, the farmstand, the kitchen, the laundry, the brooming and the mopping, the picking up every mess every day? I know we are building our future, I know we are building so we can leave our daughters our legacy. But that shouldn't have to come at the cost of missing time with my daughters. My oldest has told me before that I don't have time for her or the girls because I'm always doing something. And she's not wrong, there is so much to do and so many responsibilities.
So, how do I manage that and time with my girls?
I pass by my oldest daughter's room, it's full of her things, but she's not there. I pass by the twins' bed, and it's empty; the toys are stuffed into a bin and not around the house. The feeling of guilt for telling her that at the moment I don't feel like being touched or kissed, or hugged, because I'm too overwhelmed. I can only imagine all the negative things that have gone through her head. She must think that in those moments, l don't love her or care about her. I do, I just get tired. I'm too tired, too stressed out, too overwhelmed. And it hurts me that she may think I'm the worst mom in the world, or that she grows up saying that I gave everything else or everyone else attention that I didn't give her. She's growing up and she's finding her own way, and she's already so hurt and abandoned by her biological father that I fear I'm going to mess her up even more than him.
My baby girls, oh my, how fast they have grown. Soon they will be going to school, and I'll have the house to myself during school hours. And I'm not sure I'm really ready for that, even though they still have one more year to go. It still feels like it's right around the corner, and it hurts. It's now that they are with my parents, and they don't really get excited to see me or hear my voice. Imagine when they go to school.
Isn't it sad that even though I am in love, I have my 3 daughters, a house, chickens, quails, farm, garden, and our dog, I still feel a little loss? Sad that even though I'm the happiest I've ever been, in a committed, happy, healthy relationship that I feel like this? I feel like it's unfair for my girls, for my man, that I feel like this. I have such an amazing, dedicated, hardworking, loving, humble man. Whom rings or not, I consider my husband. I feel like it's unfair for everyone, including myself, that I'm feeling like this. I don't quite understand what's going on with me. And I'm really trying here, trying to fight it, trying to fight the urge to stay in bed, trying to fight my thoughts and be better. I am still struggling myself, but I am always here. If you have felt this and have overcome it, or if you are currently going through something similar, feel free to reach out by leaving your comment, and I will reach out to each of you!
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